One step forward and... nope, just one step forward.

It's true. Mom has taken a giant step, no,  a leap forward. Moving Mom back to her old and now spotless apartment was the best thing we could have ever done. The caretakers are incredible and are keeping both her and her house spiffy. Mom has even had her hair blow dried and styled! She has been dressing up and even adding accessories. This is, amazing. She hasn't cared about her appearance in a very long time. She went so far as asking to go get pedicures with me. Of course I'm on that. I can't say no to a pedicure. Her stomach aches have gone away for the most part and her appetite is back to normal. The best part of this all isn't the physical improvements though. My mom is acting like my mom again. She's happy and interested in life again. I was sick with the flu last week and not only did she try to comfort me, she told me after that she didn't want to call while I was sick because she knew I was probably sleep and W was probably busy with the kids. This is HUGE. Mom was calling me at 4am or 6am because she only had three rolls of TP left or the volume wasn't right on the tv. She was able to understand that there is a good time to call and a not so good time. Two weeks ago I was sure that she would need full time care in a locked facility in a year. If she continues on the path she's on, I can see her having another couple of years before we need to make any significant changes. You guys, I have my mom back. The Alzheimer's is still there and there are times where it is significantly worse but it's no where near as bad as it was weeks ago.

The other positive thing that happened was during the move out process from the ALF. I had given notice at the end of December because I had to make sure that everything with the caretakers was in place and her place was completely ready to be moved back into. The facility required 30 days notice so I knew that since we were moving Mom in right after Christmas, we would be paying double rents. Expensive double rents. We went over to start emptying her room at the ALF and at the very end, I decided to leave 3 boxes in her room. The staff was already chomping at the bit asking when she would be out even though I had just given notice earlier that week. I had a feeling that they would move someone in immediately, regardless of the fact that we had the room paid for for another 30 days. Here's why I'm pretty proud of myself right now. They DID go into her room after we left and got ready to prepare it for the next person. I know this because I received a 'courtesy' call letting me know that we 'forgot' some boxes. I told them we didn't need them any time soon so I was in no rush to remove them. January 2 I received another call from them. They wanted to offer me 'an exciting deal'. Apparently they had someone ready to move in and they would be so happy to offer to rescind the 30 days notice if I came and got the three boxes out. Deal. Had I taken all the boxes out, they would never have offered me the same 'deal'. They would have just moved someone else in and I would have been none the wiser. Pat pat, Self.

Anyways, minus the flu on the very first day of the new year, 2015 is looking like it's going to be an incredible year and I can't wait for all the amazing things to come. Happy New Year, Friends!

Balloons, Banners and Blasphemy

I am not cut out for this at all. Or at least I wasn't. I'm the one who drank too much and partied too hard. I'm the one that snuck a secret (well, not so secret anymore) cigarette when the kids were dozing. Now all I want to do is nap or burn all the crap in my house so I don't have to clean it. I really hope we don't have a fire now because the insurance company sure as hell won't believe me after they get wind of this. How did I end up responsible for so many lives when, not 9 years ago, I wasn't even responsible enough to take care of my own life?

At 4am I got a call from Mom and we got to hang out at the ER for a couple of hours. She's okay, thankfully. It's an Alzheimer's thing for another day. At 7 The Baby had to be at pre op for tubes so he could here out of both ears instead of one (no excuses now, Buddy). It's also H's 5th birthday today. Luckily Willie is a much better parent than I am and hung streamers and wrote a note for him on the bathroom mirror. I did let him know that the dollar store has balloons after 7 years of him begging Safeway to give him a $7 balloon at 10pm. I reminded him to re hang the 'birthday' part of our birthday banner that's still up from M's birthday in October. I also took our Halloween decorations down today. I'm not entirely useless.

I have a 5 year old. And an 8 year old. And a 1 year old. Somehow.

There and back again

Mom has been at the ALF for a few weeks now. It's lovely. They have three delicious meals a day, unlimited snacks, a coffee and juice bar that always has fresh cookies and housekeeping. This is all wonderful. Much to my dismay, it's not quite what mom needs. 

Don't get me wrong, I love knowing that the trash is being taken out and her laundry is being done weekly. I love knowing that she doesn't have to cook or clean up after cooking. I love how beautiful the room is and how perfect the color purple they painted the room is for her. I love that she's getting her medications regularly and at the preferred times. 

It's just not right for her. 

Mom needs someone who can turn on the shower for her so she can just walk in. Mom needs someone who can let her know her shirt is on inside out and help her fix it without making her feel like she's stupid. She needs someone who can help remind her that she doesn't have to wear clothes to bed and help her get her nightgown on. She needs someone to pull down her comforter and sheet so she sleeps in the bed instead of on it. She also needs to feel like she's still in her 60s which is not happening at all at the ALF. 

Don't get me wrong, the people are all lovely. They're just old. She's old too, but not that old. 

So here we are at another crossroads for Mom. 

Luckily the couple that rented out her apartment decided to go elsewhere. The complex is going to clean up her carpet and figure out what's going on with the fleas. She's been out for weeks. No one is there. There should be no reason we're still finding some. They're going to check out the vents to make sure nothing is living in them. Hopefully removing or seriously cleaning the carpet will help as well. I do know that I'm not moving her back in in the condition it's in. 

You might be wondering why I'm even considering moving her back there in the first place after all the trouble we went through with fleas and cleaning it out. The thing is, with Alzheimer's, keeping things the same is super important. She knows that place. She has friends there. She has friends that know me and my number and wont hesitate to let me know if something is going on. She loved taking walks around the complex and I had no concerns of her getting lost. 

The plan for now is to hire someone to help out for a couple hours in the morning and in the evenings. They can help with meds, make meals for her, do some light housekeeping and laundry and help her get dressed. I met an incredible lady yesterday who is going to help Mom out in the mornings and she found someone she likes and trusts to help in the evenings. I'll hopefully be meeting her soon. Denise (AM helper) even said she wanted to come over Thursday and help me scrub the place down so we can be ready for them to take care of the carpet once her couch is removed. I'm kinda in love with this woman.

That's all for now. I'm sick and the baby wants to help me type. Wish me luck. 

Alzheimer's Is...

Crying and panicking because you can't remember how to put pants on only to realize 15 minutes later that you already have pants on.

Trains and Cliffs

Alzheimer's is a fracking train wreck. It's like watching someone you love drive slowly towards a cliff except you're paralyzed and mute and completely unable to help them.

No amount of money can fix this. No praying. No begging. No crying.

I want my mom back.

I know she's here physically and I should be thankful that I get to see her daily. I tell myself this daily. I just wish I could run to her for advice or to make me soup when I'm sick. I want to call her up when something awesome happens or send her a video of something cute the kids did instead of knowing it will result in her calling me crying because something happened to her phone and she doesn't know what to do with it. I wish when I had to run to the bathroom, I could ask my mom to watch the kids instead of asking my daughter to watch my mom.

I want her to hug me like a mom hugs a daughter, a safe, warm, protecting hug.

I wish sometimes people understood how it feels like I can't breathe from the crushing fear of what's to come or knowing that nothing can happen to me because everyone needs me, especially my mom who is paying an insane amount of money to live in this facility yet seems to have more needs now than she did before she moved in.

I couldn't take her call a couple of hours ago. I just needed to not answer. It's not that I left her in the dust. I was just there a few hours ago making sure all her laundry was together and cleaning trash out of drawers. I was also there when she called 4 times because the channel was different. She needed help getting back to channel 7 but she kept losing the remote... while I was on the phone with her.

I'm whining. I know.

Today I'm just sad.

I want my mom back.

White Flags

Today I feel, defeated.

Grandma Love

There was a housewarming social for this month's new residence at Mom's new place. While she was clearly nervous about any attention, she sure loved showing these three off. The bigs loved dancing on stage while the piano player played. The Baby flew into Grandma's arms and was upset when we had to leave her. He did try stealing all the walkers he could find and snuck up behind many a old people. I don't know why some of these places don't consider having an on site daycare with a giant glass window. Seniors and babies are magic together.

Mom seems to be adjusting a bit more. I talked to the Resident Liaison today for a while and came up with some ideas to help her a little more. I was also about to let her know about some Mom things (behaviors, anxieties, likes, dislikes, etc.) which helped her out.

I'm headed down to see my grandparents soon and it's nice knowing she will be taken care of while I'm gone. I've been mentioning it every time I see her because I know me leaving causes her some serious anxiety. I can go three days without seeing her but as soon as I mention actually going somewhere, she panics. I guess I am her rock as she was mine.

I can't get over that picture. Four extraordinarily beautiful people. I'm so glad they have each other and I hope to capture as many moments like this as possible while I still can.