Alzheimer's is a fracking train wreck. It's like watching someone you love drive slowly towards a cliff except you're paralyzed and mute and completely unable to help them.
No amount of money can fix this. No praying. No begging. No crying.
I want my mom back.
I know she's here physically and I should be thankful that I get to see her daily. I tell myself this daily. I just wish I could run to her for advice or to make me soup when I'm sick. I want to call her up when something awesome happens or send her a video of something cute the kids did instead of knowing it will result in her calling me crying because something happened to her phone and she doesn't know what to do with it. I wish when I had to run to the bathroom, I could ask my mom to watch the kids instead of asking my daughter to watch my mom.
I want her to hug me like a mom hugs a daughter, a safe, warm, protecting hug.
I wish sometimes people understood how it feels like I can't breathe from the crushing fear of what's to come or knowing that nothing can happen to me because everyone needs me, especially my mom who is paying an insane amount of money to live in this facility yet seems to have more needs now than she did before she moved in.
I couldn't take her call a couple of hours ago. I just needed to not answer. It's not that I left her in the dust. I was just there a few hours ago making sure all her laundry was together and cleaning trash out of drawers. I was also there when she called 4 times because the channel was different. She needed help getting back to channel 7 but she kept losing the remote... while I was on the phone with her.
I'm whining. I know.
Today I'm just sad.
I want my mom back.
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