A Home for Mom

It's time. Mom has reached the point where she should no longer live alone. While I don't mind going over throughout the day to bring her her meds or help her change the channel when she thinks the cable company is only showing infomercials, it's hard when she calls me crying because the washing machine is broken and won't give her her clothes back (it was mid cycle) or her back is hurting when she's sleeping (she was sleeping on a dining room chair) or now the TV is only showing her Nascar (she forgot how to change the channel in the hour I was gone). Between the three kids, two schools, endless activities and a mom who really needs someone else there, I haven't been home for more than an hour in months. Leaf piles to jump in? Who needs that when you have constant laundry piles that will do the trick. My kids pick their clean clothes out of one pile and throw their dirty clothes in another. I try to throw in a load nightly but rarely does it actually go back in closets or dressers these days. Dishes? You mean you don't eat in the car, while walking up to the next place or at your best friend's house when she forces you to sit down and eat a sandwich... on a real plate? So, it's time.

Mom was convinced we were moving her to a facility because we didn't want her and we were going to drop her off and run. I know this because she liked to tell me this constantly. She told me she was joking but we all know she wasn't. She even told one of the Marketing Managers at one of the ALFs we looked at when I was taking The 4 Year Old to the bathroom that we just wanted to get rid of her. This part sucks. It really, truly sucks. I love my mom. She has always been my best friend. Though things may have changed and roles may have reversed, I still love the hell out of her. I would never, ever, want to find a place for the purpose of dropping her off and running. I'm not putting her in a place because I don't want to be there for her. I'm not putting her in a place because I refuse to help her anymore. If I could spend all day making sure she was fed, clean and happy while raising happy, healthy kids, I would do it in a heartbeat. I wanted to yell at her after I walked in on her talking about how I wanted to ditch her. I wanted to go back to the car and just tell her to do it all herself. I wanted to throw my hands up and walk away.... at least for a few minutes. Then I remembered that even though *I* know that I'm not abandoning her, she is legitimately afraid. She's always been afraid of abandonment. I remember being a kid and her making us promise to take her in when we were older and not put her in a home. I swore that she could live with me forever. The guilt is strong, man. It weighs on me heavily. I knew I had to convince her that we were not putting her in a nursing home. We weren't ditching her. I had to make this move sound incredible. I had to make her think that not only was this an awesome idea, but that it was her idea as well. This meant that we could not just visit one or two places, we had to keep going until mom found HER place. This all sounded great, in theory. Mom was slowly coming around. When she realized that they were more like apartments with room service and three meals a day, the anxiety slowly started to melt away. Still, every place we went had people in wheel chairs, drooling on themselves sitting near the entrances. You would think they would make a pretty room for those people. A room with a view of a garden or a waterfall. Most of them were asleep anyways. At least I hope they were. Mom is only 66. She's 20 years younger than most people in these places and she is fully aware of that fact. She may not remember to shower most weeks but she knows she is younger and more active than everyone else.

I had just given up hope that we would find the right place. I was prepared to talk up one of the other places and try to convince Mom it was 'the greatest place ever.' I happened to remember one other place someone had mentioned to me and decided to just drop in and check it out. It was the end of the day. The kids had all lost their minds and were on sugar highs from all the cookies and candy that were given as bribes for 'one more place' and from previous tours. They were plotting my death, even the baby was against me at this point. I dragged them out of the car with promises of  the sacred 'mom's phone time'. Mom was starting to try to convince me again that it would just be easier if she moved in (we already have 5 people in a three bedroom townhouse). We walked up to the doors, opened them and all stood there in amazement. I kid you not. If there was a Disneyland of Assisted Living Facilities, this was it. It was right before Halloween and they had decorated gorgeously. The kids were oooohing and ahhhing over the spider webs and black painted trees. Mom was admiring the paper lanterns and the baby found the giant fish. They even decorated the fish tank. Once a month they have a social welcoming new residents. They have hors d'oeuvres, lemon bars, cupcakes, a piano place and WINE. Yes, wine. (I was sold at that point) People came up to my mom and talked to her instead of just talking to me like many places had done. It was lively and fun and people were actually walking and laughing instead of parked, drooling. They didn't have a room open because the place was so popular. They do fun activities, go on trips to the casinos and generally enjoy live vs. begging for The End. The big kids were given balloons and ran off with the activities director who had a daughter M's age. The baby was in awe with the birds and fish and the attention he was getting. (Babies are like movie stars in these places) We got our booklet, extra candy and dragged the kids out of there. While buckling them in the car, I expected to hear more about being ditched but much to my surprise, Mom sat down in the car and told me, "I think I would like to live there." I dropped Mom off at home and called Allison from the ALF back immediately to let her know we wanted the room.

After a couple weeks of buying all new furniture, new towels and new clothes (there was a flea problem at her old place and we didn't want to chance bringing anything over), mom was ready. They offered to paint an accent wall for her and she chose a bright 'here I am!' purple. Every sheet, towel, blanket and pillow joined the purple ranks and we were finally ready. I wanted to have the room completely put together for her so when she walked in, she fell in love. I didn't want her to stress over the move or worry about how everything would happen. Much to my dismay, they weren't able to give me the keys to her place until 4pm the evening before her move in date. If anyone knows my kids, they have a 6:30pm bed time. This is for my sanity as well as theirs. I grabbed some last minute items, picked the kids up from school, took all three big kids (we had our Bonus Child) to swimming and headed out to build some Ikea furniture. Just when The Baby had lost his mind and The Four Year Old had managed to announce his presence to everyone there, deaf or not, my two closest friends came to my rescue. One, with the help of another amazing friend, brought over the million pound mattress that wouldn't fit in my car and the other sat with me and entertained The Baby while I finished up. Finally her place was ready. It still needs a few things to make it more of a home but I think it came together beautifully. Here are a few pictures from the lobby and her room! More on how the move went later!